If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
