Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
