My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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