Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
