so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
