wrigley field is MILF paradise
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
