my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
