she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
