I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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