just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
