And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
