Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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