haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
