I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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