I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
It was like getting head from an anaconda
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
