i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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