You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
