I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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