i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
