4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Randomize
