Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
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