the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
