Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Randomize
