he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Randomize
