Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Need sex. Gaining weight.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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