Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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