All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
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