the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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