Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
