just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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