No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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