i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
