So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I am spending my child support on dildos
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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