you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
