You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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