My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
