Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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