I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
