I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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