Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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