mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
