Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
