i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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