Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
