My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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