last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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