i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
