Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
