Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
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