That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Randomize
