maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
