Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
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Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
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I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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