we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
