I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
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I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
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She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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