Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
