I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
